Tuesday, September 28, 2010
::The Move::
I have been on a very very very long hiatus..
Reason being...
I have moved on to a new location.
Why?
Simply because I want to preserve this address as my Bujang blog, and the new home as my Kawen blog =P
Untuk sesiapa yang masih buka blog yang nyawa-nyawa ikan ni, kalau rasa nak baca yang baru, dipersilakan :)
http://princesspersian.wordpress.com/
~Shahnaz~
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
::My Impossible Wish::
Ever since we've decided to settle down, I've been having this one person constantly lingering in my mind. It's not like I don't think of him at other time, but given the circumstances....... My heart almost splits into two everytime I am reminded of this little boy.
My late brother.
How am I going to get married with him not being around anymore?
I just can't imagine being at a family gathering where everyone is suppose to be happy, excited (and exhausted at the same time), and he is just not there!
I am heading towards the less healthy side of the emotional string. I am starting to feel angry again for not having him here. And my wedding date is so close to the anniversary of the day he went away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sure that I will be happy (InsyaAllah) with the marriage, but this guilt that I still and would always have for not being by his side when he passed away, not being able to kiss him goodbye one last time..........it will absolutely haunt me for the rest of my life.
I went into my brother's room just now, and I just sat down and cried. He is just not here anymore. And he is never going to be here again. Never again.
I just want to have him back.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
::BIG Plans::
Big big plans..
And it is already in motion.
I am nervous, as I should be.
Scared too, of course.
Determined, as I should be.
Hesitation? No, none at all.
I've waited for this moment to come for quite some time, and it is finally here.
FINALLY!
I know I shouldn't rush into things, but it has been too long. And long is not good. Especially when lotsa sick and twisted things can happen, intentionally, or accidentally. So it should be better to keep the "long" part shorter.
I sincerely hope everything will be fine, and God please ya Allah, please help me get through this. Let me do this one thing properly.
oh di manakah mahu mencari pokok duit...
Thursday, October 09, 2008
::On Life..Love..and Work::
Hello!! To myself..(sbb apparently this blog is dead)
Sorry darling! Have been neglecting you too much!
.::On Work and Life::.
Have been working for a little bit over 6 months. Yeap it has been that long! Duit pun of course la dah bertampuk-tampuk simpan. Thanks to living with my parents! And I haven't bought anything (percayakah saya tidak bershopping langsung semenjak balik dari Japan?!!) Last time I shopped was in London, and that was not my money...so..I managed to save a lot of money! Selamat la duitku... Working life is fine. I like the fact that I can now wake up every morning, bukan tengah hari lagi macam dulu. My life is very scheduled now. Everyday is predictable. As for now, I'm not bored yet with this life. Ye la baru 6 bulan. But in the future...I have no idea how long I can stand living this life.
.::On Goals::.
Tunggu rumah siap! Not my house. But my parents house in .P.U.T.R.A.J.A.Y.A. Why am I waiting for the house? Oh that is an unmentionable cause. =P I actually have this goal to fulfill before I hit my 25 years old mark end of next year. It seems so far still, but with a lot of things going on inside my head, and around me, 29th December 2009 just might not be that faraway anymore. Oh rumah, siaplah cepat! Then I can start to really seriously think about what's ahead.
Current wishlist
* Baiki laptop ku yang sudah crash and burn! (or buy a new one..erk duit!)
* Nak tengok semua TV shows yang sudah miss dengan banyak sekali!(erk..time!)
* Semoga Twilight dapat tayang kat Malaysia..I want to see my EdwardBellaJacob on screen!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
::Muda Muda Muda::
Not talking about some guy named "Muda"...
What I'm trying to say is...I AM OLD!
Well..at least I FEEL old..
I work in a factory..the place where I'm working now have so many guys yang kacak2, sesuai la nak cuci mata siang2. Hahaha. Just sebagai pembakar semangat nak pergi kerja la kan. Anyway.....I have found 3 guys worth looking at, but all of them are younger than me. Wah saya mahu jadi p*a*e*d*o*p*h*i*l*e kah? No, not really..never gonna be one either. The guys are just younger by 1 or 2 years je la.
The thing is.....damn..semua lelaki kacak dah menjadi semakin muda. Meaning = I am getting old.
Gone were the days when the hot dude were the older guys from Form 5, or the 22 year old singer. Now its the hot dude who could comfortably address me as "kak" when he talks to me. Aish....damn damn damn.
Kacak2 sekalian, sila age faster so that you guys will always be older than me, so that I can still hold a crush on you people without feeling like having a crush on my little brother!
P/S : no other intentions beside a crush.. I already found my Mr Right..so you guys just have to be around as my eye candy.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
::LIFE::
Have started work on the 1st April. Working is......busy and tiring.
And I am still missing the people in Yokohama very very much. Especially my sweethearts and Kak Mimi.
I definitely miss going out at night, and being carefree about my life while not forgetting all my responsibilities.
But I am also loving all the food my mom have prepared on the table everytime I look at the table. And also the cheapness of the foods at the office. And the pasar malam........is currently my heaven on earth.
So..to summarise...I miss the life I had in Japan and the people that I left back there, but I love the food + famlily life that I have now.
.
.
.
.
.
What is it with people driving without their lights on during very very very heavy rain?? Dah la kereta warna gelap, tak buka lampu pulak. Grrr....mahu mati cepatkah?
No Air (Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown) Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air If I should die before I wake It's 'cause you took my breath away Losing you is like living in a world with no air Oh I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave My heart won't move, it's incomplete Wish there was a way that I can make you understand But how do you expect me to live alone with just me 'Cause my world revolves around you It's so hard for me to breathe [Chorus:] Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air Can't live, can't breathe with no air It's how I feel when I know you ain't there It's no air, no air Got me out here in the water so deep Tell me how you gonna be without me If you ain't here, I just can't breathe It's no air, no air No air, air No air, air No air, air No air, air I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew Right off the ground to float to you There's no gravity to hold me down for real But somehow I'm still alive inside You took my breath, but I survived I don't know how, but I don't even care So how do you expect me to live alone with just me 'Cause my world revolves around you
Monday, March 31, 2008
::Home Not-so-sweet Home::
I graduated!!!!!
Yappari tinggalkan Nihon tak best. I love the fact that I am home in Malaysia. But I so
hate the fact that I won't be an alien in Japan anymore. Haish..I so miss Japan. And I feel like I went home with a lot of things remains unsettled.
Goodbye Japan!
Esok dah nak kena lapor diri kat kilang. OMG I am so old now! My dad hugged my and pat my head a few days ago and said, "dah jadi engineer dah anak papa ni" and I cried listening to that. Itu adalah sungguh sedih. My daddy telling me how he felt is not something that he usually do.
And I just hope that I won't lose my "family" in Japan. I love them too much to lose them just because of the distance.
"Won't Go Home Without You"I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listenShe left before I had the chance to sayOhThe words that would mend the things that were brokenBut now it's far too late, she's gone awayEvery night you cry yourself to sleepThinking: "Why does this happen to me?Why does every moment have to be so hard?"Hard to believe itIt's not over tonightJust give me one more chance to make it rightI may not make it through the nightI won't go home without you, The taste of your breath, I'll never get overThe noises that you made kept me awakeOhThe weight of things that remained unspokenBuilt up so much it crushed us everydayEvery night you cry yourself to sleepThinking: "Why does this happen to me?Why does every moment have to be so hard?"Hard to believe itIt's not over tonightJust give me one more chance to make it rightI may not make it through the nightI won't go home without you, oh, oh, ohIt's not over tonightJust give me one more chance to make it rightI may not make it through the nightI won't go home without you, oh, oh, ohOf all the things I felt but never really shownPerhaps the worst is that I ever let you goI should not ever let you go, oh oh ohIt's not over tonightJust give me one more chance to make it rightI may not make it through the nightI won't go home without youIt's not over tonightJust give me one more chance to make it rightI may not make it through the nightI won't go home without youAnd I won't go home without youAnd I won't go home without youAnd I won't go home without you
Thursday, March 06, 2008
::Terrified::
Never thought that going back to Malaysia for good would get me this terrified!
The length of the To-Do-List is not helping either.
The sorting, packing, shipping, cleaning and moving out of the house are the hardest part.
Have to renew my Visa for a few weeks or a month.
Then have to sort through my stuff, which one to pack and ship, which one are going to be left or given away, which one is going with me on the airplane...OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
Is there someone I can pay to do all this for me?? Last time I have to do this kinda stuff was 4 years ago, and my mom did all of it.
And I have a lot of invitations from people all over to go to their house. Everyone is suddenly cooking a feast for me. And just now a sensei in school gave me a present and wished me luck. It was a very beautiful present!!!
Why is everyone making it harder for me to leave this place??? I already feel like crying day and night about leaving. I don't want to leave. There's too much hassle!!!
Japan is home for now. Malaysia is home too, but currently Japan feels more homely to me. I spent the early of my twenties here. I know how to do everything by myself here. I was a kid when I left Malaysia and I am an adult now, but I don't think I can be an adult in Malaysia.
Haish...my withdrawal syndrom is beginning to take a huge effect on my life right now.
I guess I just have to face it and go through with it.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
::A Happy Tale::
Supposedly a happy tale.
I am graduating in a few weeks. End of this month actually.
And I am doing this alone, by myself. No family. No proud daddy and mommy coming to see me graduate.
This would call for my almost the ultimate depression time of my life. I feel like running away from home, except I don't live at home anymore. Salah ke jadi anak manja?
I don't, and I won't tell my parents about how upset I am about noone coming to see me graduate. After all, my dad is going to be very busy working this month, and my other siblings would be busy with school, meaning my mom will be at her busiest.
Fine fine..I'll do this all by myself. I'll just be proud of myself, and take a proud picture of myself. I've been very independent for 4 years, one more day won't make any difference.
Very very upset...and this cold is not helping at all. I keep losing my voice over and over again. This stupid coughing!!
I don't feel like going home just yet, not ready to leave Japan yet, but it's time. I have to leave all this behind and open a new chapter, or maybe a new book for my life ahead.
~So many things to do, and so many people to spend time with, yet so little time.~
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
::Thin Layer::
Through a thin layer of rubber
and a thick rusted armour of drunken lust
I think when our clothes were on
We had a different image of what this was supposed to be
Here's what I intended
Here is the truth
So here's what I intended
Here is the truth
The soundtrack to our meeting
Fills the awkward spaces between our strained breathing
And now the only thing between
Between the two of us
Is your blood and our sweat
So here's what I intended
Here is the truth
And here's what I intended
Here is the truth (the truth, the truth)
Here is the truth
Here is the truth
Here is..
I'll disguise this whining with melody
I hope that it leaves, leaves you intrigued
I hope you feel, you feel what i did at the time that this was..
Well the silence is pleasing
Between our breathing
Now its over with
This is not what I intended
