Ever since we've decided to settle down, I've been having this one person constantly lingering in my mind. It's not like I don't think of him at other time, but given the circumstances....... My heart almost splits into two everytime I am reminded of this little boy.

My late brother.

How am I going to get married with him not being around anymore?

I just can't imagine being at a family gathering where everyone is suppose to be happy, excited (and exhausted at the same time), and he is just not there!

I am heading towards the less healthy side of the emotional string. I am starting to feel angry again for not having him here. And my wedding date is so close to the anniversary of the day he went away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sure that I will be happy (InsyaAllah) with the marriage, but this guilt that I still and would always have for not being by his side when he passed away, not being able to kiss him goodbye one last time..........it will absolutely haunt me for the rest of my life.

I went into my brother's room just now, and I just sat down and cried. He is just not here anymore. And he is never going to be here again. Never again.

I just want to have him back.